My Brother's Keeper?

I learned yesterday that my high school friend, Dean, took his own life.

I’d not seen him in many years, but kept up with him on Facebook. Dean who always had a funny come back. Dean who found joy in singing for others and had such a gift.

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A sudden, unexpected loss like this always throws things into a chaos of questioning and trying to find comprehension. 

How does something like this happen?

How is it that we didn’t know the extent of his despair and do something to prevent it? How does one get to such a low point?

We’ve all faced low spots in our lives. 

But some are more susceptible to them. 

There are people who are more prone to things like depression and suicide than others. Generally those among us who are more introspective.

Ironically, it is those among us who are most expressive: our artists and writers and musicians. 

They turn their passion into creating, or singing or writing.  

Sometimes that is fulfilling enough.


But sometimes that is not enough. Sometimes those who have so much to give get to the point where they feel they cannot go on.

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I think back to one of the lowest moments of my life where I found myself at this spot.

It came after years of sacrificing and carrying the load alone as a single mother, wrestling to try to meet all my childrens' needs and cooking and laundry and trying to be their everything (not to mention, teaching 30 other kids 8 hours during the day... )

After endlessly fighting their father for custody, the point came where the children were finally coerced to tell the judge that they wanted to live with him.

So despite the recommendations of the experts, the social workers, even the judge himself who all said they’d have a much healthier living situation at home with me, they were sent off to the toxic environment of their father’s household.  I told the judge if he let them go home with their father I would never see them again.  I knew their father. The judge just silenced me, calling me a jealous ex-wife and reminded me I had a court ordered shared custody agreement, so sit down and shut up!
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It broke my heart.  He had no idea how vengeful their father could be. But he had no interest in listening to anything I said.

Yes, I had a court order saying I had joint custody and the promise of seeing them weekly and having them weekends. But it was just paper.

Once they went behind those walls - the fortress of his home - that was it. They became virtual prisoners (and I did not see the girls again for twelve years.)

Shortly after this, I reached rock bottom. 

My children, who had been my entire life, my reason for getting out of bed each morning, had gone, leaving me completely lost and alone.

Worse yet, I felt I had failed them. 


Maybe I had not fought hard enough. 

Maybe I could have done something more. 

But I had failed. My life lost all meaning.

And this brought me to the point late one fall afternoon, on my way to the gym, of standing at the edge of a multi-story parking structure contemplating the blacktop far below.

Was it far enough to kill me if I just jumped? If I dove off head first? Would diving off this ledge relieve this burning anguish inside my soul?

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I had nothing left to give and no one to give it to. It is not a moment I am proud of or like to recollect, and I don't know if I've even told anyone before. But there it is.

I stood there for quite a while, contemplating finding release in death – with tears streaming down my face - shivering with the autumn chill.

I think the only thing that stopped me is that someone I barely knew drove up and stopped to ask me something. I don’t even remember what it was he asked. It was something simple. But it was something that required an answer.

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And in answering that simple factual question, I realized that I was not totally worthless.

Even though all of those whom I loved had rejected me and my life had lost all meaning, there was still something I could do. Even if it was so simple as giving directions or information. I was not entirely a waste of space on this planet.

I forgot about going to the gym.  The experience had left me completely drained.  

I went back and sat in my car for probably another half an hour before I could find the energy to start the car and drive home.

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Why am I telling you any of this? I don’t need sympathy.

Thank God that was long ago and is water under the bridge.  I am in a much much better from of mind these days, with the proper antidepressants and the strength given to me by the Lord in his promise of Psalms 18:32, 33:

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.

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No, my life is not really what a rational person would call perfect. 

Not even by a long shot. But nobody’s is, really - or ever will be, at least here on this earth.

Because of the sinful world we are all born into, my life’s path is still paved with the same pitfalls that yours is: the occasional illness, money issues, loneliness… 

But the love of God makes it as ‘perfect’ as it can be on this planet.

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Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. - Psalms 55:22

He fills those vacant places in my life and in my heart. And keeping that constant connection to His uncontainable love, my cup is filled to overflowing. But it is not a stagnant thing. That full cup needs to be carefully cared for and tended.

Even the fullest cup of water, if left out in the elements, will eventually evaporate and run dry, without pouring out even a drop of water.

The harsh elements will eventually suck every ounce of moisture out of it, leaving it dry and crusted and useless.

It needs to be carefully tended to sustain that fullness and bounty which only God can give.

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. - Rev. 7:17

But mostly I write to you today to remind you to be gentle and kind and loving in your interactions with those you come across. 

Whether it be your spouse, or your high school friend, or the frazzled guy at the checkout stand.

And reach out to those you love but maybe have not heard from in a while. 

For you never know what heavy burden another might be carrying.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. - Colossians 3:12, 13.








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